What Is The Revolving Door Syndrome?
By Author V.S.Atbay
When your partner starts coming in and out of your life at their own leisure, they have contracted what I call: The Revolving Door Syndrome. This is not a healthy trait – at least, not for you if you are on the receiving end of this experience taking the blows, the highs and the lows and waiting like a post sign. Do you still hear the crickets? Are you still checking your email 30 times a day? Are you always anxious to hear from them? Are you holding yourself back from dating other wonderful people? Are you checking your phone obsessively? Have you crept by their house? Do you forgive them every time? Does your relationship feel like "hard work" with a side order of obsession, insecurity and heart ache?
If you plead guilty to any of this - then you're probably dating a Revolving Door Junkie With Cold Feet.
If you are on the receiving end if this behavior, then you are the door that keeps revolving around for them, and they simply slide in and out of your life at their own will, leisure and on THEIR own schedule - In other words, when THEY are ready for you. If they are not ready, guess what? You got it! Their out! And the cycle continues. Where does this leave you? Well, probably in a state of complete confusion, hurt and betrayal and that won't change unless you are ready to shut that door for good. *Boom!*
Some of us have low tolerance for such bad behavior and others, not so much. The point is – learn to have the courage to put a stop to this type of mistreatment and shut that door.
By this I simply mean – put your foot down once and for all and demand respect, because either your partner is in – OR- they are out. If they are coming in and out whenever it suits their needs or whenever they feel certain about you again, then you are being taken advantage of and being taken for granted. Most likely, they have someone else on the side and any excuse they give you - is a the half truth if not a complete lie. No one deserves to be treated like an option.
A partner or lover (call them what you want) who truly loves you and respects you, won't “take a hike” or ask you to “take a hike” every chance they get leaving you abandoned. If they don't know what they want, you shouldn't be responsible or held accountable to help them locate their feelings; you're not a GPS detector for their true feelings, that's something they need to figure out on their own.
Why do some people have this habit of walking in and out of your life at their own leisure? Simple.
You Allow Them To. (Think About It)
And think about all the times you've excused his or her behavior. First it was their busy schedule, then they had family issues, then they were working on themselves, then they had a business meeting out of town and the excuses kept piling on. I'm sure this sounds very familiar - many people are victims of this type of mistreatment. Where does this leave you? Behind.
Taking a more closer look..
1) Such people can't seem to commit to a relationship and every time an aspect of your relationship becomes difficult or tough they run away. Rings A Bell?
This is also directly connected to avoiding conflict – because they simply don't know how to deal with conflict.
Maybe they haven't been taught how to manage conflict, maybe they feel uncomfortable with confrontation, or maybe they are so used to having things their way all the time, that the mere thought of facing the conflict would “represent” compromise on their part. It could also mean they are not mature enough to handle a relationship and intimacy is not only frightening for them, but a foreign feeling.
As a result, when all this emotional stuff becomes overwhelming, the only way to solve the problem is to disappear and hope it will solve it self out- which is what they do. (Yes, those are the guys or girls that avoid you at all costs) This does NOT, however, excuse their behavior and trying to become their psychologist is a waste of your time.
They will never tell you or clue you in - into their lives until they learn and see the value of a committed relationship.
2) They are anti-committal and fear total commitment.
By walking in and out of your life, they are close enough to enjoy the perks of being in a relationship, but also, far enough to leave every time an aspect of your relationship gets tough or too intense. Sounds familiar? Where does this leave you? Hopefully not by the door steps waiting – because you'll most likely be waiting for a long time. A healthy partner is a solid partner who welcomes challenges and who wants to stay with you on a regular basis. A part time lover, will only commit part time. Do YOU have time for that?
3) People who have the revolving door syndrome, are usually in love with the idea of a relationship, rather then with the reality of the relationship. This is where they live in an ideal world, mostly in their heads.
They also harbor and thrive on the illusion that everything is okay – but guess what? Illusions are not real and that bubble pop's every time they are challenged to face an issue head on. When the happy bubble pops, they're on the FIRST flight back out of your life.
4) Why do partners with the revolving door syndrome come back into your life?
Well, they need to feel good about themselves again and you are the only “good” apple willing to provide this emotional or physical comfort. In other words, you are the only one willing to put up with their garbage and total baggage - and they know this through experience. When you accept them back into your life, you are merely creating excuses for them secretly - because you simply want to feel "the way things were." Unfortunately, you're setting yourself up to get hurt again. It's a false alarm. False hope. Each time. Every time.
5) When you allow step four to continue over and over again, you've probably not straightened out your own priories, standards and expectations. If you want to get out of this situation, ask yourself if your truly happy. Make a list of reasons why you deserve better, reflect, locate the problem and stop being in denial. If you've kicked friend and family out of your life, because you didn't like hearing "the truth" from them about your "part time" lover - then chances are they have a point and are telling you the truth. Look back on your own life - how much of your valuable time and energy has this person sucked out of your life? Are you the same happy person you are before you met them? And finally - What do you deserve?
Maybe you don't want to believe something about your partner. Perhaps you're in total denial. Or perhaps, the revolving door syndrome “works” for you too, since you carry the same traits as they do and prefer non-committal, non serious relationships. Bottom line? This habit becomes dangerous when you can no longer distinguish between your needs and wants in life, specially when you begin to realize that you want to be in a more serious and stable relationship but don't know how to anymore. The only thing you can relate to is the swinging of those doors.
6) If you are on the receiving end of being walked in and out on, it's time to evaluate why you tolerate such behavior and what you can do it put a permanent stop to it. Read # 5 again. Ask yourself: Are you a tool in their shed being used when needed? Or are you a large and important part of your partners life? If you're miserable and unhappy - that's a red flag. Sometimes love hurts, but you'll conquer your fears the minute you stop to tolerate a bad relationship.
The moment you decide to say. Enough. The moment you focus on your own self worth and start loving yourself all the way.
7) If you are the person walking in and out of someone's life, then I suggest you respect yourself and your partner enough to stay in or to get out.
Taking advantage, toying and playing with someone's heart because you're unsure, insecure or don't know what you want is irresponsible and hinders your own self-growth. Integrity, maturity and honesty is more rich than money or an unhealthy lifestyle. Most of all, have the courage to be honorable and considerate. To lead a life of integrity, rather then humility. You know who you are.
I leave you with an awesome quote I "tweaked" a bit for the purposes of relating this topic and quote to both men and women.
'The biggest coward is a person who awakens a person's love with no intention of loving them' - Bob Marley.
For the original quote go to: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/700768-the-biggest-coward-of-a-man-is-to-awaken-the
I would love to hear some of your thoughts and comments below, lets connect!